My Top 10 Weight Gain Tips

fat cartman at computer Due to the hectic online lifestyle of the average blogger getting enough food to keep our survival pouches stocked can be problematic.

I would recommend that every blogger has at least 14 pounds of excess body fat to keep him or her going in times of extended blogging.

Many of you have probably noticed the weight just dropping off since blogging took over every waking and for many sleeping moment of your life.

So I have put together a list of my top ten weight gain tips and techniques to help you stay round and squishy.

Coca Cola and other soft drinks are absolutely packed with sugar. This happens to be perfect for a weight conscious blogger as you can pile on a whopping 250 or so calories in seconds. Keep a 24 pack of soft drinks under your desk. Avoid Diet varieties at all costs
This is a little soon but it is more future planning. Organic computers are in early development. If Bloggers can unite and help push and fund the growth of this research soon computers may be available that can literally grow high calories snacks for us to munch. So get typing and send emails to all the CEO’s of the major computer companies. Finally Apple will be able to make a genuine connection between their name and their product.
Try and stay as still as possible. Any excitment or activity that results in movement also results in burnt calories. Be especially careful of repeated leg wobbling or finger tapping. If you need to pee then make sure you have a bucket stored under your desk. I suppose it can be understood you are leaving your desk for a number two.
Ask your partner if you can eat the fat from their bacon and porkchops at breakfast and dinner. It is recommended that you have them bring the food to your work station.
Download a picture of a Wendy’s cheeseburger onto your computers desktop. This will help promote your appetite and encourage you to eat higher fat foods such as burgers, fries, chilli dogs, chocolate and twinkies.
Install a magic thinning mirror, like the fun house at the fair, either side of your desk. If you think you look too thin it will encourage you to keep working on that survivors pouch. Make sure you pay someone to come and install the mirrors.
Only accept PayPal payments. Checks through the post will only result in you having to use precious calories to go and pay them in.
Find another blogger to compete with. See who has gained the most weight on a weekly basis and make sure that you help each other to reach your targets. It is much easier if you have the support of a friend
Train your dog to bring you beer, chips and dip. Beer is good as it suppresses the feeling of fullness and makes chips and salsa taste like the food of gods.
Get your work station and bed moved into the kitchen. If possible install your bed so that it doubles as a chair for the computer workstation. Make sure you can open the fridge without getting up from your chair.

I hope these simple tips help you to gain weight. I would love to here any success stories and I am sure your comments would be appreciated and motivating for any other readers.

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Harry Potter and the motivational problems ***SPOILER***

I have just briefly...

This entry was posted on Friday, May 9th, 2008 at 3:56 am and is filed under funny. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

5 Responses to “My Top 10 Weight Gain Tips”

Mark (21 comments.) Says:
May 9th, 2008 at 4:27 am
My bed is now sliding toward the kitchen as we speak. Do you know how hard it is to push a bed and type on a computer.I think I’m losing some valuable calories here.

Indy my dog drank the beer on the way here from the refrigerator. Thanks, I now have an alcoholic dog. And that dip is really hard to get out of his fur.
Forest Parks (69 comments.) Says:
May 9th, 2008 at 4:33 am
Hmmmmm an alcoholic dog, that is great news. You won’t have to walk it anymore. An extra bonus.
Christy (4 comments.) Says:
May 9th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
LoL, that hilarious! All of the things that I don’t want to do, lol.

Thanks for leaving the message about the WireImage on my site. Boy did I have it all wrong! I can’t believe it. I’ve heard so many people talk about getting images from the site I just made assumptions based on what turned out to be false information.

After 4 billion hours of searching I finally found one site, PRphotos.com that you can subscribe to and actually POST the images on your blog (not just view them). The monthly subscription is $50 for 100 photos (per month). I’m thinking of signing up. Anyway, thanks again, and I’m going to have to update my article before everyone starts stealing images from WireImage (Oh God).

Have a good weekend:)
Forest Parks (69 comments.) Says:
May 9th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Thanks for the new site.

I have been working with graphics for many years and know that image rights and distribution is a nightmare and $10 a month sounded unbelievable to me. So had to look deeper into it!

I didn’t want fellow bloggers getting sued and attacked by big business. It can get quite expensive if they pursue it!

Hey Christy, I probably asked already but do you have a pet? I’m looking for Pet submissions over at my new blog blogaboutanimals.com
Christy (4 comments.) Says:
May 10th, 2008 at 5:37 am
Hi,

Well, I’m glad you knew about image rights! Boy oh boy, after a year and a half of blogging I still have a lot to learn:)

I do have a pet, my cat is sooo spoiled. I’ll go check out your new blog, and I’ll also add it to my blogrolls.